I took a break from here to focus on meeting some immediate
needs of my family and for a time of reflection on who I am as a wife, a mother,
and a pastor’s wife. What does my role
look like? Am I investing in the right
areas? Am I taking care of myself at the
same time? Where do I get my
confirmation of that?
This summer, 2 themes have been rolling around in my brain
and I think they are connected not only to each other but also to what God is
teaching me during this time of reflection.
I hope they spur you on to reflection as well.
(Pictures are from our summer so far)
1st Theme-
Working from approval instead of for approval
At the beginning of the summer, I was having a conversation
with a friend whose parenting style I have previously gleaned a lot of wisdom
from. She made a statement about her
child that really got me thinking. She
said, “I can see that he is working for approval instead of from approval.”
Working for approval instead of from approval? I wondered what does that look like? What mistakes do you make as a parent that
creates that scenario? Do my kids do that?
When I was growing up, there was one relationship where I
never felt like I got it right. With
each interaction, I was informed that my socks didn’t match, I needed a
haircut, I needed to wash my face more, my clothes were out of season,
etc. For a decade, I had anxiety about
seeing that person because our relationship had become such that I was working
for approval. Since then we have both matured
and I now relate to them from approval and I can say that it has completely
changed the dynamic and health of our interaction.
In order to raise kids who work from approval, my parenting
must be grace-filled. That happens first
as a paradigm shift in how I view them.
When I walk into my 13 year old's bedroom, do I see that he has made his bed or
that he has clothes on the floor? I must
view my children through the lens of grace.
I have always understood the practical definition of grace to be represented as help, forgiveness, and unmerited favor.
If I as a Christian walk in relationship with Christ by
Grace through Faith (Col 2:6) then my parenting must also be grace-filled
(consisting of help, forgiveness, and unmerited favor). Only then will I raise children who work from
approval that mirrors the approval we already have in Christ.
2nd Theme-
Saying thank you or finding fault
Last month, Trent and I were putting the finishing touches
on a set of talks we were preparing for a marriage retreat. Trent came across some material by John
Gottman where he predicted the long-term success or failure of a marriage. (http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/)
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained
in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for
things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this
culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning
the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. “It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed
in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing
right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus
respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
This really hit home because I know as a spouse, I have been guilty
of scanning my marital environment for the wrong things. This also got me thinking about my parenting
because I think this goes hand in hand with raising kids who work from approval
and relating to others with grace. I
don’t think Gottman calls it being grace-filled in your marriage, but that is
exactly what it is.
If I want to avoid contempt in my relationships and raise kids who
work from approval instead of for approval, I have to scan their environment
and look for opportunities to offer a grace-filled thank you instead of
criticism. I am confident there is more
to it than just that, but man that sure is a good start.
Last thoughts
As a pastor’s wife, I have spent the last 9 years working
for approval. Now some in my church might say, “I sure can’t
tell” and that would be because when I think I can’t gain your approval, I
disengage completely. I have had
experiences in different areas of the church where I didn’t measure up and my
response was to take that area out of my list of ministries where I saw myself
to be useful.
I see this in my social relationships with friends and
family too. I try to dance correctly
enough to not rock the boat or hack anyone off or I disengage completely. It is
emotionally exhausting. This time of
reflection has helped me to meditate on the approval I already have in
Christ. He is the one who calls me and
He is the ultimate voice to say, “well done my good and faithful servant” (Matt
25:21). He is the one who extends grace
to me for all that He calls me to. He is my help, my forgiveness, and my source
of unmerited favor.
I can go on from that truth to live from approval instead of
for approval. I can go on from that
truth to have grace-filled relationships with those around me as I scan the
environment for opportunities to say thank you instead of opportunities to
criticize. Can you?
Here are a few more pics for you dad. :)
