Several years ago I started thinking about how my kids see themselves and what influences their identity. I figured it was either influenced by what they were good at or by something that they had experienced, like having a special need. I based that purely on my own experience and decided to test my theory. I asked friends, who were teachers in very different schools, to poll their kids and ask them, “What defines you?” I gathered all of those statements and found that they fell naturally into 4 main categories: our life experiences (that which we cannot control), our faith, our strengths, and our people.
I have been writing here about the research I have done on each of those and how my husband and I have determined to speak into them for our own children. Today I will write about the final category, our people.
So here’s the deal - you will unavoidably speak into your child’s identity. You will either speak into it by what you say or by what you don’t say, do or don’t do. By being the most important adult in their lives, you will (by your actions and words) speak life or death, value or inconvenience, hope or despair, and optimism or fear into their lives and how they define themselves.
When Maggie had her heart surgery, one of her surgeons stopped me in the hallway and said, “Life is like a poker game and your child has been dealt a tough hand. Your job is teach her how to play the game like she has the best hand at the table.” In order to help our children play the hand that has been dealt to them, we have to be intentional about speaking life, value, hope, and optimism.
In our family, we have adopted a handful of phrases that we speak aloud or by which we choose our actions. They are a collection of parenting messages that we have accumulated from books, family conferences, and experience over the years. I am going to share them here with you. My encouragement is that you choose one and start using it. Then in a few weeks incorporate another. My kids know them by heart and even my 7-year old quoted one to me the other day when I sent her up to clean her room. Before you give me too much credit, know that we have not mastered all of these, but we have committed to applying them.
8 Messages You can speak into your child’s identity:
1.You are Worthy of My Time
This is one that I have to remind myself of regularly. We act on this by turning the TV off or putting down our phone when our kids want to talk. Maybe we give up time with friends to take that one struggling kid for a special date instead. We speak it by what we show up for and how we speak about our desire to be there. If we put off their requests for help or attention because of our busyness, they will stop asking and see themselves as an inconvenience. We want them to know that they are WORTHY of our time. Worthiness implies value.
2. I Notice YOU
This is not just a compliment of what they are wearing or their new haircut. This is speaking into the core of who they are and is especially important for our special needs kids and kids from hard places. I also use this daily with my patients. I make an intentional effort to get to know them as individuals instead of diagnosis. I want them to know that I don’t see them as a kid with cancer or another condition but instead as someone who loves certain activities or cares about certain issues. Our kids are more than their diagnosis or experiences, they are more than a tool to make us look good, and they are certainly not meant to be seen and not heard (an attitude that some of us grew up with). They want to be known and we need to show them that we want to see them at the core of who they are and that what we see is valued.
3. Everybody Has Something
One key step in helping them see that their something does not define them is to combat the myth that they are the only ones struggling. When they see that everyone else has something they struggle with too, then their something becomes less significant and holds less power over their life.
4. You’ve Got What it Takes
This is another one that I speak out loud a lot in the clinic. The difference between a child who fails at a task and one who succeeds can be as simple as having someone who believes in them. This statement of confidence is a game changer for our kids. Trust me. Try it.
5. You Do What You Have to Do So You Can do What You Want to Do
Okay so this might be the one that my kids would tell you that they wish they heard less. I kind of love that. Think about it though, it is true for darn near everything from therapy to school to getting up on Monday morning and going to work. Heck it even applies to doing the laundry. Why do I have to fold the clothes? Because you don’t want to wear dirty underwear next week. You do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do (like wear clean undies). Bam.
I want them to see that the things they don’t want to do are not an end in themselves but instead are a bridge to something they do want to do.
6. If It’s Not Hard, It’s Not Worth Doing
I know some people will disagree with me on this one. I mean reading a book on the back porch on a beautiful day is not hard and is definitely worth it, right? BUT, someone somewhere chose something hard in order to enable you to have that back porch and the free time to read on it. Now was their hard work worth it?
I use this one a lot in the clinic in several forms like, “Some of the best rewards in life come from doing hard things,” “if it were easy, you wouldn’t be here with me,” “the most influential people in the world have gotten where they are by saying yes to the hard road.” In the Henderson house, we teach our kids that they have what it takes to do hard things and that is most often where they will see their greatest reward.
7. There is No Good Excuse for Bad Behavior
My kids probably don’t love this one either but that doesn’t mean it ain’t true. It would be really easy for our kids to blame their choices on their life experiences and find themselves in a spiral of excuse-making. Now notice that I say “for bad behavior” not for everything. Ruthie’s arms will never allow her to hit a home run but that doesn’t mean she gets to throw the bat in frustration.
8. Freedom to Ask, Freedom to say No
This is a new one for us. I traveled to China in September with a fabulous family and this was one that they taught me and we have since added to our repertoire. I hate asking for help, but the point at which I give someone absolute freedom to say no, it becomes much easier. I don’t want my kids to miss out on an opportunity or relationship because they are afraid to ask or afraid of hearing no. We have to be okay with asking but we also have to be okay with hearing no, but we will never have the opportunity for yes if we don’t ask.
You might be looking at some of these and wondering how they speak into identity. I would argue that they give our kids certain values, perspectives, and a level of confidence that indirectly shapes their identity and how much power the other voices have over them.
Three of the identity markers from my survey of students were strengths, experiences, and people. These all speak to our children’s functional identity. The fourth marker, faith, speaks to their created identity. I believe that each of our kids has a threshold for how much power the circumstances of their life will have over them. As the people who speak into their lives, we have the direct ability to influence that threshold by strengthening their understanding of their created identity and then by speaking life, value, hope, and optimism into their functional identity. I hope that makes sense.
