I love to travel and I especially love when I get to travel internationally. Initially, I struggled with long international flights. Sitting in a chair for hours did not align well with my tendency for hyperactivity. In order to continue my love for international travel, I had to learn how to physically and mentally power down for the 10-20 hour ride. I also had to learn to trust the plane and the pilot when turbulence hit or we encountered an unexpected delay. Now when I travel internationally, I lay down all of my expectations for arrival and departure times, I lay down my food preferences, I lay down my need to be in control, and I just power down for the experience because I know it is a necessary means to an end.
Last summer when Maggie spent months in the hospital, our experience felt like we were climbing a mountain and through it all I felt like God was guiding me through the terrain. This experience has felt much more like an international flight with God as the pilot. The timeline is predicted but not guaranteed. I have no control over the turbulence and while my preferences are considered, at the end of the day, they hold very little weight.
Maggie appears to be improving. I commented during rounds today on how much better her heart rate was and I was glad we were passed that concern and the doc gave me the "not yet" look. Her drainage is slowing which is fantastic but I got another "not yet" look when I asked about pulling her drains. We are ready to land this plane. This now feels like the end of the flight when they turn the lights back on, you need to go to the bathroom but you don't want to step past the guy sleeping next to you, you start imagining all that waits for you when you land, you stare anxiously out the window, and your heart rate starts to rise as you count down the final minutes. Yep, that is pretty much where I am and I am praying the pilot doesn't tell me that we need to circle for a while before we lower the flaps.
You can pray for steady rhythms, decreased drainage, and peace.