Chapter 5- Still on Faith-
Facilitating a space for my children to grow in their faith.
In order for my children to make their identity in Christ something they are not a stranger to I have to give them the opportunities to study it and then the space to wrestle with it. After all, it is NOT a three-way relationship that I am facilitating. God does not need me to be a chaperone in His dance with my child or be a caddy keeping score in their round of golf. If my kid hits his ball in the sand trap or needs a mulligan in life, the best thing I can do is let him work that out with God, the caddy. This illustration is starting to get out of control in my head but I think it is fair to say that Christ created the course and paid the ultimate price for the round. My goal is to give my son his own set of clubs, drive him to course, and then come around every so often with a bottle of water and club sandwich to help him keep going. I am going to leave the course navigation to God.
So how do I facilitate a space for my children to explore and wrestle with their faith? I have a short list (non-exhaustive by any means) for you as to how that looks in our home. You may want to read these slowly and give yourself time to do a little self-check before moving on.
1. We try to avoid resentment by monitoring our expectations.
1. We try to avoid resentment by monitoring our expectations.
Just because he is the pastor’s kid does not mean he has to be at the church every time the door opens. He was not hired for that position, his dad was. He should be allowed to experience the church like any other kid in the building. I try to find the balance in encouraging him to attend things that I believe he will find worth his time while avoiding the temptation to schedule his relationship with Christ.
We attend Pine Cove Christian Camp because, first, it helps us to keep our focus on things that matter and, second, because we want our kids to see that being Christian is both fun and cool. We look for ways to connect our kids to the fun that comes with following Christ. I don’t know about you but I grew up in a church that was incredibly boring. It wasn’t until I was exposed to a youth group at another church that I discovered that following Jesus was really fun and that Christians were fun people. I don’t want my kids to be 16 years old before they make that same discovery. Being a Christian is heavy stuff and following Jesus is serious business, but it doesn’t have to heavy and serious all the time. Joy is a real thing and laughter is a gift.
3. We find a place for them to serve in the church as teenagers.
3. We find a place for them to serve in the church as teenagers.
Don’t let the church just be a place that serves them until adulthood. We need to encourage our kids to find their roles. When you think about that, be sure and make it unique to them. In serving, they experience the functional side of the church and get to see God move through them to impact the Kingdom. Also don’t be afraid to look into areas that might have previously been reserved only for adults. There was a great book out 15+ years ago called Do Hard Things. It looked at how we don’t expect enough out of teenagers or push them hard enough. I tend to agree.
4. We expose them to other denominations without fear.
Personally, I started out as Catholic, found Jesus in a Pentecostal church, and landed as a Baptist but I am probably more non-denominational at heart. The freedom my dad gave me to explore my faith only made it more personal for me. Go ahead and let them wrestle with their honest questions. Then, don’t answer them with what someone told you was true or what you read on the internet. Find solid truth and train them to do the same. It is part of the dance (or golf round). When my husband was on Sabbatical in 2019, we took our children to a Church of Christ and then two very different non-denomination churches because we wanted them to see how other people worship.
5. We teach them about God as Redeemer AND Restorer.
As Christians, we love to see God redeem a situation. Heck, most of us grew up knowing that God so loved the world that he gave His only Son (John 3.16) and that He also works all things for the good of those who love Him (Rom. 8.28). He redeemed our lives and He redeems our circumstances. Experiencing God as redeemer can be like watching your favorite team come from behind to win the game that others thought was surely lost. Redemption is exciting and beautiful but it is not everything. Christ doesn’t just move to rewrite our stories. He desires to engage us personally and that is where Restoration happens. I don’t want them to become so focused watching the redemptive Jesus that they miss the loving hand of a restorative Jesus. Redemption rights our circumstance. Restoration heals our heart.
6. We teach them how to apply the principles of the Bible for everyday life, remembering that there are way more promises than warnings.
6. We teach them how to apply the principles of the Bible for everyday life, remembering that there are way more promises than warnings.
I think Christian parents run the risk of only teaching the Bible as a historical document or a rules book. As a child, my Christian upbringing focused on reverence toward a great historical document. I memorized the Ten Commandments and a handful of prayers. I even kissed a stone cold cross with the baby Jesus on it as part of my bedtime routine when staying at my grandmother’s house. But I never used my own words to talk to God. Fast-forward to 2019 and I fear that the God my children run the risk of seeing in the broader Christian picture today is the one who says: “Don’t vape, don’t cuss, don’t be gay, and publicly profess the tenants of our conservative politics.” There may be some everyday life in there, but it is not promises over warnings.
One of my favorite lessons on relating to God came from the book Exodus in the story of Moses. In Exodus 33:13 Moses asks God to teach him His ways so that Moses may know God and find favor with him. I want my special needs child (well, any child) to know God’s ways and not just his rules. Then in Exodus 33:15, Moses takes it a step farther and tells God that if He does not go with them, then don’t send them from there. YES! I don’t want my kid to just know who God is but I also want him to desire the presence of God everywhere he goes. Finally, in Exodus 33:18 Moses really gets it. He says to God, “Now show me your glory.” Some of us may be tempted to bypass that third statement because it sounds kind of confusing. Like, what in the world is God’s glory such that He could show it to me? Is it the sunrise? I like sunrises. One of the smartest pastors of our time, John Piper, defines God’s Glory as “the radiance of his holiness, the radiance of his manifold, infinitely worthy and valuable perfections.” That’s still pretty packed I think. I once heard God’s glory defined as the fullness of all of his attributes on display. When I pray for God to show me His Glory, I usually follow it up with, “Show me where you are moving today. Let me see you at work and join you in your purposes.” So to wrap this point up, I want my kids (special needs or not) to know God, walk with him, and see him at work around them. More than history. More than rules even though “not vaping” is still a good one to follow. 😀
Our youth minister does a great job at this by taking our kids to work in urban missions in a neighboring city. Another great way to do this is to become a respite home for foster care. As part of our family vacation, we drove through the hills of Costa Rica and allowed our kids to see how families live there without running water or the convenience of automobiles. We tell those stories and let them see it first hand. You don’t have to travel far though. One of the most impactful experiences for my kids was serving our community after Hurricane Harvey. Be intentional and find their place. They will see the Gospel there.
8. We teach them what the Bible says about them.
This point was inspired by a really cool video that was sent to me. The video was of a special needs adult named Krista Hornig. Krista was born with a genetic condition called Apert Syndrome that causes premature fusion of the skull bones causing facial abnormalities and other complications. Krista wrote a book called, Just the Way I Am: God’s Design for Disability that I keep in the center of a table in my living room for my kids to pick up at any time. In the YouTube video and the book, she tells of God’s grace and faithfulness in her life. In the video she says, “Disability says ugly things to me. It tells me I’m alone. I’m different. I’m worthless and weak. It tells me my life is hopeless. Disability lies to me and sometimes it’s easy to listen and believe.” She then goes on to list the scriptural truths that God tells her. She has an impressive list that includes examples like:
God tells me He has a special plan for my life
God tells me that He Created me and I am good
God tells me He has called me for His purpose
God tells me he is making me more like him
God tells me that he gave His son for my sins
God tells me that Jesus was crushed for iniquities on my behalf
At the end of the day (or the season of life called parenting) our goal would be to raise a child who filters the messages of the world through the truth of the Bible. Krista’s material is a great
tool to help your children process that.
9. We combat cultural self-proclamation and self-reliance.
We live in a culture that praises the self-sufficient. The model we see in the Bible is quite different. In Exodus 4, Moses is telling God all of the reasons that he is insufficient for the task of leading the Jews out of Egypt. What is important to see is that God does NOT tell Moses “You’ve got this buddy. You are a winner. Everybody will love you.” Nope. Instead He said, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” God did not remind Moses of who Moses was. God
reminded Moses of who God is. I want my kid, special needs or not, to find their strength in who God is instead of some pumped up image of who they are or some deflated image they see because of their special need.
This point was inspired by a really cool video that was sent to me. The video was of a special needs adult named Krista Hornig. Krista was born with a genetic condition called Apert Syndrome that causes premature fusion of the skull bones causing facial abnormalities and other complications. Krista wrote a book called, Just the Way I Am: God’s Design for Disability that I keep in the center of a table in my living room for my kids to pick up at any time. In the YouTube video and the book, she tells of God’s grace and faithfulness in her life. In the video she says, “Disability says ugly things to me. It tells me I’m alone. I’m different. I’m worthless and weak. It tells me my life is hopeless. Disability lies to me and sometimes it’s easy to listen and believe.” She then goes on to list the scriptural truths that God tells her. She has an impressive list that includes examples like:
God tells me He has a special plan for my life
God tells me that He Created me and I am good
God tells me He has called me for His purpose
God tells me he is making me more like him
God tells me that he gave His son for my sins
God tells me that Jesus was crushed for iniquities on my behalf
At the end of the day (or the season of life called parenting) our goal would be to raise a child who filters the messages of the world through the truth of the Bible. Krista’s material is a great
tool to help your children process that.
9. We combat cultural self-proclamation and self-reliance.
We live in a culture that praises the self-sufficient. The model we see in the Bible is quite different. In Exodus 4, Moses is telling God all of the reasons that he is insufficient for the task of leading the Jews out of Egypt. What is important to see is that God does NOT tell Moses “You’ve got this buddy. You are a winner. Everybody will love you.” Nope. Instead He said, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” God did not remind Moses of who Moses was. God
reminded Moses of who God is. I want my kid, special needs or not, to find their strength in who God is instead of some pumped up image of who they are or some deflated image they see because of their special need.
Wow that was A LOT on the topic of faith as it relates to our child’s identity. When I go to a course or read something where I feel like I have been hit over the head with 100 ideas, I choose one to move forward on. When I feel like I have conquered that, however long that takes, then I pick another thing. If you try to implement it all, it will be too overwhelming so just scan the list again and discern where God wants to move in your kid’s relationship with Him right now, and then take the steps to put that into motion and then sit back watch the greatest golf round you have ever seen as God coaches your kid through each hole.
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