I had a cool moment yesterday with one of the nursing assistants. She came in to change Maggie's bedding and was humming a song that I recognized. I smiled and started to sing along. She got all excited and started singing too. Here are the words to the song:
Wonderful, Merciful Savior
The verses hit me and I started to cry. I knew God had ordained that moment here in the wrap up to remind me that he had been there right beside us the entire time. A friend texted me as I was listening to the song over and over and asked how I was feeling. I responded, "held". What? Did I really just say that? Yes, I finally felt what it meant to be held. It was not a momentary feeling of comfort but an overarching reflection on God's continued presence and sovereignty. I didn't even think about it before I typed that word which is probably why it got out before my filter of self-reliance caught it.
My friend Rebecca and I have had multiple conversations over the past few months about what it means to be held. I have told her how I didn't feel held but instead I felt like God was sending me out to do what I needed to do. Rebecca who normally affirms all of my spiritual insights refused to accept this one and would regularly throw verses back at me about God carrying us and holding us in the palm of His hand, but I just didn't feel it. I didn't at any point feel abandoned but I certainly didn't feel snuggled either.
Yesterday it came together for me, I think. I believe the language we use in the church of training people up and sending them out is short sighted. It implies a sense of self-sufficiency. The message is, you have the tools you need so go put them to good use and climb that mountain for God. But that is not the picture for me (after this experience anyway) because it leaves out the guide. We aren't sent out. No, we are guided. The guide makes the map, packs our supplies, pitches our tents for a place to rest our heads, nurses our injuries, cheers for us when we struggle, debriefs with us along the way, and leads us over the mountain while taking every step beside us. And yes, Rebecca, sometimes even carrying us. :)
So it appears we will wrap up this guided adventure in about 24 hours. Thank you for all of your prayers, words of encouragement, and tangible support. Please continue to pray for our adjustment when we get home. Maggie is not mobile yet and has not had anyone further than arms length away from her in 2 months. I believe we may be in for a bit of an adjustment.