If you have visited here before, you can probably see that I have changed the name of the blog again. I started blogging at 4URuthie to tell the story of our journey to adopt our 1st daughter. I changed it to Mountains for Maggie when we were praying for God to move mountains on behalf of our 2nd daughter. Well now it is no longer just Ruthie’s or Maggie’s stories. It is now our family's story, and the stories of those we share life with, as we Conquer Mountains together. Both ConqueringMountains.net and 4URuthie.blogspot will lead here.

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I am a pastor's wife, mother of 4 kids (2 adopted and 3 with special needs), physical therapist, and photography junky. This is where it all comes together for me. Feel free to join along as I process life out loud.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Don't Have What it Takes

I am figuring out today that I don't have what it takes to endure this. I also don't have what it takes to walk away. So I just sit here and cry like a fool not knowing how to stand up and take the next step- whatever that may be.

After a month of silence from China, a lot of prayer, and some misplaced confidence, our agency received a batch of RA's today and ours was not in there. It has become nearly unbearable to read the rejoicing of families receiving their RA's who were matched months after us. Somewhere deep within me I am truly happy for them, but I am so overcome by my own disappointment that I can barely read their celebration announcements.
I sit here tonight feeling more disappointment than I think I can bear. I do not know what tomorrow holds. It not fair to my other children and my husband for my life to be so dictated by the emotions that surround this wait. Jack graduates from Kindergarten tomorrow and I want desperately to focus entirely on him. I just don't know how to move passed the disappointment I am feeling right now.


Cheri said...

I am so sorry my friend. As I watched the LOA's roll in I was praying that yours would arrive today. I know first hand how hard the wait can be. It was terrible at times with Lia. Now we have a picture to stare at our entire wait this time.

You know just when you don't think you can take any more is about the time you'll receive your LOA. Just know your friends and family will carry you in prayer the rest of your journey.

I will e-mail you in the morning. :) ((HUGS))

Angela said...


I wish I had something to say that could ease your pain. I remember that our wait for our RA (125 days) was so difficult for me, I did not think I would make it through either. Reading your post is like reading my own journal.

Praying, praying, praying you will know something soon.

AWAA mom to Lia

Jenn said...

When I saw the emails coming in today on RA's I immediately thought of you and how you would be feeling. I understand the pain that envelopes you as you sit in almost shock that RA's came in and there was not one for you. I understand how everything revolves around "the wait" and everything else gets put on hold.

Please know that I'm standing with you!! But I also want to give you a message of hope!! Beautiful little Ruthie was called by God, our very Father, to be your child!! Nothing will keep Him from getting you to Ruthie. Not misplaced files or slow China workers or an agency staff that won't put in a call. We have a MUCH bigger God than that. The Lord has a plan, maybe one we don't understand right now, but He does have a plan and it's the most perfect one for you and for your darling girl Ruthie. Continue to CLING to the truth and the promise that the Lord has spoken to you!!!

This time WILL pass and one day, sooner than you even realize, Ruthie will be in your arms.

Lifting you up my friend!!


Eleanor said...

I know it is probably little comfort but so many of us feel your pain and frustration. Nikki and Matt were upset with the agency right before they got to bring Elijah and it had a happy ending as yours will. I pray sooner then later that you will have that precious girl home and you get some kind of answer why it is taking so long.

Naomi said...

Like you I do not understand. I will pray that AW asks Jenny their China Liason to contact CCAA on your behalf. She is wonderful. In fact you should pray about asking them to look into it more for you.

Keep asking, Keep knocking, Keep seeking..... DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

The Lord knows how much more you can handle. I will pray that you go to your son's graduation with renewed faith and that you will be such an awesome witness to those who see you. Thank you for being real... it is okay to feel as discouraged as you do!! I certainly have at times. I know that your heart is breaking and that you have no answers. The Lord will strengthen you as you wait on Him and He will cause you to mount up on wings as eagles today!!

Holding up your arms as you wait.......

Mommy said...

I am so sorry your LOA didn't arrive yesterday. I am praying for you and your family.

HopingforMolly (from RQ)

Patty said...

Has your agency asked the CCAA about your status? We too are waiting for LOA, on a tight deadline--our daughter will age out in 5 weeks......and we hadn't heard anything. Our agency earlier this week contacted the CCAA and our file was just sitting there waiting for approval to be signed off but they didn't because they were waiting for the fee to be sent. Well apparantly the CCAA accounting dept. just hadn't processed the fee yet so that is why it was sitting there because the fee went with the dossier. Our agency spoke with their accounting dept. and got it all straightened out and supposedly now we should get LOA anytime. Anyway, it could be something like an accounting error that is holding it up, I'd really push them to check. I've seen it happen to others too!

Praying we both get LOA next week!!

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