Friday, May 1, 2009

What I am learning

We decided to get away for a few days and make a new memory as just the 4 of us. So we drove to Waco Thursday, went to Six Flags in Dallas today, and then drove back to Waco tonight. It has been a quick but really fun trip and it has been great to see some friends that we don't get to see as much anymore.

All the time on the road has given me time to ponder what God is teaching me right now through all of this. I have been thinking a lot lately about prayer and its role in my life.

Basically I think my prayers fall into 3 different categories:
I have prayers for relationship- This is most of my worship or prayers like, Lord reveal yourself to me. Change my heart. Teach me more about you.
The second type is prayers for direction. These are prayers seeking God's direction or will in my life.
Finaly, there are prayers for outcome. These are for things such as healing, provision, or just what I think I want to happen.
I really feel like I am ok with the first 2 in that I feel good about my heart's inclination to know and worship Him and I feel like I can sense His direction and leadings. The third one, however, I am struggling with these days.

The Bible says in James 4:2 That we have not because we ask not
You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

It is important though to remember that it does not say, "You have because you ask".
So where does this all come together?
Well, I know that I serve a sovereign God with a perfect plan who wants me to pray and seek Him. I have struggled this week after praying for my RA for weeks and receiving nothing to ask God again for my RA. He knows already when it is going to come as part of His plan for Ruthie, so why should I drive myself crazy asking for specific dates?

A friend of mine was in a serious car accident this week and is in a coma. So as I have been strugglig with the purpose of specific prayer, I have also been praying for his healing. Does God not already know the number of his days? So then why does He want me to pray for Scooter? It feels incredibly selfish to think that is might be for my spiritual growth when my friend is lying in a coma. So not knowing, I pray anyway.

So I will continue to ponder this knowing that God is patient and He has had to exercise that patience on me before. The sad part is that I feel like I am losing that part of me that used to pray with confidence. Right now I pray in obedience and confusion with the knowledge that the first 2 forms of prayer, the relationship and the direction, are probably more important than my desire for outcome anyway.

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